If It's Good Friday, Why Do I Feel So Bad?

Today is Good Friday, the day on which Jesus is crucified. It is a sad day for the Christian church. The punishment and torture that was inflicted on him is almost unbearable to imagine. Legend is that it almost always rains on Good Friday and that is true today here in Indianapolis. The ground is wet, it is cold and cloudy. Depressing to say the least.

I am lonely today. The boys are in Ohio with my folks and Greg is at work. I have slept most of the morning and afternoon away. Tobi, the cat, checked on me when he heard me moving around, but even he has wandered away into another room. I should go and put cat food in his dish, make a little "food noise", then snatch him up in my arms when he wanders near. Bait and switch...for comfort no less.

I spent most of the night reading blogs and writing e-mails; work that is keeping me from writing papers and generally doing what I should be doing. The semester is almost over and I am really behind. Terribly behind. So behind that I'm not sure I can catch up. It's been a tough semester from the start and, needless to say, my heart hasn't really been in it. If I can just finish one thing, one paper, one translation, I might be okay. But I can't seem to get over the hump. I'm paralyzed...by what?...fear?...frustration?...failure? Maybe all three. All I know is that I can't seem to settle down to read, to write, to focus. I watch mind-numbing TV and sleep. Or stay up. The insomnia is terrible.

It's spring, I say. Spring is not my best time of year. I hate the fluctuation in weather. Seventy and sunny one day, cold and wet the next. Bring on summer or stay winter. No waffling please.

Anyway, I hate spring. And I don't really like Good Friday. I know, I know, Good Friday is necessary for the really good stuff to happen on Resurrection Day. But it's the kind of day that a person dreads...like an exam day, or surgery, or the funeral of a young person. One hopes for a sense of relief afterward, but that's not always the case. Sometimes you have to wait a bit for the pain and the pressure to ease.

Good Friday is that kind of day. It hurts. It really hurts. And I hope that there will be relief.

Thankfully, there is. It's better tomorrow, and it's wonderful on Easter morning. Maybe in my own personal darkness I need to keep this in mind. The suffering, the pain, the fear, the frustration, all of this will ease as long as I hang on to hope. Hang on. Hang on.