Today is Monday, October something or other...Anyway,

I am still voting for Barack Obama, in case you wondered.  I have been behind him for some time, I have given money to his campaign, and I may go see him at the fairgrounds on Wednesday.  But that's just me...

I suck at the guitar.  Not a good practice candidate.  Okay, I really never had a teacher, so there you have it.

The boys are good.  Andrew is in kindergarten, and he thinks he is the only one who has ever attempted it in the first place.  Jack is an 8th grader who really wants to kiss a girl...I'm not sure what to say other than kissing a girl can be fun!  I hope my parents are not watching...

Otherwise, it's up to Greg G. to explain the entire process...and what can that man say, really?  He likes girls?  I don't know...all I know is that I appreciate his answer more than most.

Love you all...shout out to my brother...

Just in case you haven't figured TiVo out yet:

LIFE on NBC, very good.

UGLY BETTY, ABC, still good.

GREY'S ANATOMY and PRIVATE PRACTICE, enjoyable still. Ultimately, I like ER.

Mostly, MAD MEN and THE OFFICE ring true. What can I say? They don't write many articles about grad school or ministry...

Love, American Style

Yeah, well, my post was unfortunately interrupted by a terribly "ba-blunk" sound.

Here is my post:

Went to Lake Harrison in Brown County last Saturday to enjoy the sunshine and my children. Why is it that I have to take my children about 60 miles away in the car in order to enjoy their company? Am I screwing up as a parent so much?

Well, okay...let's admit. Jack is 12. He is very annoying. Very, very annoying. Although there are glimmers of brillance in his eyes, he is mostly annoying. And Andrew is annoying, too. Very, very annoying, but less stinky than Jack. What more can I say?

I love my boys. I love my husband. I love my boys and my husband, sometimes more outside of my house. In my home. You get the picture.

SOMETIMES I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE WHEN THEY ARE NOT IN MY HOUSE.

Other than that, I love my family. Especially Jack, my first. And Andrew, my little. And Greg, my one and only.

WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?

Donuts and coffee and cider, too; in 2 weeks, front yard. Pets welcome.

Mandie

Five Things I Know Tonight

1) I love the new Lucinda Williams' CD "West". Plan on listening to it tomorrow while reading the paper and drinking my coffee. Should go to church, but feel I may be called to enjoy my family in a very unglamorous way; hanging out in our bed.

2) Fundraisers can be fun. Enjoyed an evening with Emerging Leaders in Indianapolis last night. Won a delightful silk arrangement for my dining room. Colors are perfect. Greg picked up some wall art. Now I need him to hang it...and all the many other things that need to find a home here. Little by little, I guess.

3) Andrew is growing up and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. He gave me a "facial" this morning, went grocery shopping with me, and later we took a walk around the neighborhood. He held my hand; his soft little fingers laced with mine. He commented on the length of our shadows. So smart. So beautiful.

4) Having difficulty sleeping this past week. I did take allergy medication a couple of times, so that messed with my head some. The shift from warm weather to cooler evenings may have something to do with it as well. I actually slept in the basement a couple of nights. Did manage to get good rest there.

5) Feeling lost a bit; I can drive now, but don't have a car. Can go back to work now, but need to get there. Missing school. Wanting to preach. Still putting the last year in perspective so that I can glean what is good from it and grow...and maybe help others learn from it as well.

Suicide is a bitch.

Catch Me, I Mean You, Up

1) Yikes! I wrote one entry in April and I haven't been back? For shame.

These last months haven't been so good to me. Major case of depression, coupled with buying a new home, and then a car accident in late July. I earned a broken foot on that one. Thankfully, my older son suffered minor injuries, so I'll take one for the team. I have been out of commission for six weeks now, so leaving my little hovel would be a genuine relief. A blessing, indeed. Surgery may be soon or not at all. Should know more when I see the doctor on Tuesday.

2) Have been preaching on a somewhat regular basis at a small, rural church north of Indianapolis. The church is seeking a new pastor, so I've been filling in here and there. The congregation has been gracious and warm. I hope that if I am ever called to serve somewhere in a more "official" capacity that I will meet people as sincere as this congregation has been. The good thing is that I'm clocking more "pulpit time"; however, the writing process is a beast. Sometimes, I chew on scripture for a few days and the sermon works itself out over time and several revisions. Other times I write one draft and then look at it a couple of hours later, change minor things, and go for it. There is no rhyme or reason to the process for me yet. Maybe someday. But for now, I pray for the holy spirit, and gut it out.

I am becoming much more comfortable "up front". However, I secretly desire to wear a robe and stole. My limited wardrobe makes me think a robe might just be easier, but also add a sense of authority to my shorter frame. Throw on a pair of heels, a bit of lipstick, and I'm good to go.

3) As I am now six weeks post-accident, I have picked up a guitar that Greg gave me a couple of years ago. I am learning notes, slowly but surely. Am only a few pages away from learning a chord.

I always wanted to play the guitar, even as a kid. I'm not sure why my desire wasn't made known to my mom and dad (and maybe it was), but I didn't get a guitar as a kid or a teenager. I was an adult when I decided I really wanted to learn to play. Plus, I love female singer/songwriters. And they all play guitar. So Greg bought me a Johnny Cash inspired black guitar. Have I mentioned how much I love Johnny Cash?

To encourage myself (and also because I can't drive anywhere to shop, I keep hitting Amazon), I bought a handful of CDs featuring women singer/songwriters. Patty Griffin, Rickie Lee Jones, Lucinda Williams. Alison Krauss, Lori McKenna, and Mavis Staples. I'm trying to turn the tv off and the stereo on. If it's the weekend, the entire family usually listens to public radio, but during the week I've been soaking up the sounds in the sun room. Sometimes I just listen, intently. Sometimes the music is just background noise to my phone conversations or my daydreaming. But mostly, the music is encouraging me to try and play that guitar, to develop a callous or two, and sing along, no matter how I sound.

4) Am happy to see the Pumpkin Spice Latte back at Starbucks. It was a red letter day when my mom drove me (after a little arm-twisting) and much to my surprise, it was back! Oh, happy day.

I have since had two. Can't wait to drink one on a day that really feels like fall. Crisp air, leaves turning, maybe I'll have a jacket on. Looking forward to pumpkins and s'mores and apples and all those other fall delicacies. Let's face it, summer has been a bit of a bust for me. Bring on Autumn!

5) Both boys have successfully started the school year. Jack hit 7th grade, a bit more confident even though attending a different school. Andrew began his pre-k year with a new teacher, Mrs. Melissa, who he seems to like. He is also anxious to read. We are working with him daily on sight words and sounding out letters and he does a pretty good job considering he is still only 4. Jack is doing pre-algebra, so his Dad looks forward to checking his work every night. For some reason, Jack doesn't trust my pre-algebra skills. What?! My skills?!? Who does this kid think he is?!!! I'll have you know I took only one math class at Ball State (and an honors class at that) and I did pass. Kid needs to cut me some slack...

6) Will be watching the news this week as the "Petraeus" report on Iraq will be presented. Praying for an end to this war. Praying for our soldiers to come home. Praying for peace.

7) Hope to start updating my reading list here. Updates soon on "A Wrinkle in Time" which I am reading with the kids and "The Wounded Healer". Hope to read the novel "Gideon" soon. Look for thoughts soon.

8) Thanks to all for prayers, meals, e-mails, and cards. Makes this house "detention" somewhat more bearable.

Promise to write more frequently. Pinky promise...

If It's Good Friday, Why Do I Feel So Bad?

Today is Good Friday, the day on which Jesus is crucified. It is a sad day for the Christian church. The punishment and torture that was inflicted on him is almost unbearable to imagine. Legend is that it almost always rains on Good Friday and that is true today here in Indianapolis. The ground is wet, it is cold and cloudy. Depressing to say the least.

I am lonely today. The boys are in Ohio with my folks and Greg is at work. I have slept most of the morning and afternoon away. Tobi, the cat, checked on me when he heard me moving around, but even he has wandered away into another room. I should go and put cat food in his dish, make a little "food noise", then snatch him up in my arms when he wanders near. Bait and switch...for comfort no less.

I spent most of the night reading blogs and writing e-mails; work that is keeping me from writing papers and generally doing what I should be doing. The semester is almost over and I am really behind. Terribly behind. So behind that I'm not sure I can catch up. It's been a tough semester from the start and, needless to say, my heart hasn't really been in it. If I can just finish one thing, one paper, one translation, I might be okay. But I can't seem to get over the hump. I'm paralyzed...by what?...fear?...frustration?...failure? Maybe all three. All I know is that I can't seem to settle down to read, to write, to focus. I watch mind-numbing TV and sleep. Or stay up. The insomnia is terrible.

It's spring, I say. Spring is not my best time of year. I hate the fluctuation in weather. Seventy and sunny one day, cold and wet the next. Bring on summer or stay winter. No waffling please.

Anyway, I hate spring. And I don't really like Good Friday. I know, I know, Good Friday is necessary for the really good stuff to happen on Resurrection Day. But it's the kind of day that a person dreads...like an exam day, or surgery, or the funeral of a young person. One hopes for a sense of relief afterward, but that's not always the case. Sometimes you have to wait a bit for the pain and the pressure to ease.

Good Friday is that kind of day. It hurts. It really hurts. And I hope that there will be relief.

Thankfully, there is. It's better tomorrow, and it's wonderful on Easter morning. Maybe in my own personal darkness I need to keep this in mind. The suffering, the pain, the fear, the frustration, all of this will ease as long as I hang on to hope. Hang on. Hang on.